I need structure- as in calendar supported- to function well in life.

Obvious, but it took me by surprise as to how much I really need my entire day structured, from breakfast to the wage job and to my own projects.

A structured calendar-itemsied life makes me happy.

I guess I have resisted it for so long because I feared of not being able to be spontaneous and be able to break plans. Paradoxically, have a structured plan helps me to be spontaneous when I need to be- because I can shift stuff around and reduce time on things. And know that I will get to it sooner or later. When I didn’t have stuff down, I was floating away with no grounding. I could be free, but I wasn’t. Now that things are solid in writing with its own time stamps and allocated hours, I feel free and focused.

Damn, I wish I knew this earlier.

I spent a lot of time agonising over goals + resolutions for the new year of 2010. Although it kind of gave me a road map to look out for, some of the stuff was pretty vague and it quickly turned into a large list of ‘how much stuff is there that I can do on this planet that I can cram into one year’ type of list.

And uh.. yeah, I have done not much.

So, my favourite astrologer recommended for fishy freaky signs like me that with the new tiger year vibe going on, it is good to set some resolutions now, and get ready for my piscean new year on the 15th of March. Yeah, I sound like the queen of woo-woo here, but hey- the post shiva resolutions I have set now ring true to me.

Because during post-shiva meditation, I learned that I need to try and let go of expectations for my new year shenanigans- which is really hard, since I have a quarterlife crisis thing going on and bills to pay- and focus on what really resonates with me for my astro-new year. And hell, I tried to resist some of the stuff that came up during meditation but they are down on my much shortened new year res/goal list now. I even came up with a theme for general life living for this year. While my previous list made me feel trapped, this one makes me feel free and a little scared and a little excited, like I have just been given permission to chase up what my soul really wants.

There are still things that I want to try that hasn’t had such as strong resonance, so I have imaginatively put them under the heading ‘things to try out this year.’ Which has taken even more pressure off if they don’t become one of my many soul-passions.

Crawling into a relaxing meditative pose, my post-shiva brain to my surprise started to rapidly decode a dream I had last night.

Basic premise: me strolling into a co-op cake bakery that I want to be involved with, but am too shy. I arrive 3 occasions- one with my sister. The last occasion I arrive, I notice that the ‘real work’ in this place is dealing with scraps of junky paper and sorting them out into reusable and recyclable piles instead of just throwing them out.

Basic analysis: 1.) my shyness is a part of me and if I show up enough and let it be known I want to help, people will let me in and show me how. 2) I have stuff to deal with that is better dealt with by help with others that have some experience- but that does not mean that I can not question how certain pieces are dealt with if I disagree. 3.) How people present themselves to the world is often window-dressing: if I look closer, I can see who they really are and learn that we have much in common and all want to work together for the same goals. 4.) Window-dressing doesn’t taste very good nor is it healthy

Sketching after Shiva. I have permission to be as non-perfect and free in my materials, lines and methods. The only rule is to sketch whatever is in my immediate surroundings.

Spark #1 - I am under-challenged at my current job, which is why I am miserable in it. I am a bit dumbfounded how I missed something so obvious.

Spark #2 - Meditating after shiva, I am tumbling down the rabbit hole, just like Alice. I turn into a rag doll of myself, blonde hair, blue dress. Materialist crap everywhere, all garish amongst the earth. Suddenly I am lifted up out of the hole, joyfully, by some people I know and some I don’t until I am outside. There, I morph into a centaur, out in the grasslands and the trees, stepping into the water pool by the cliff and again gaining my legs, but emerging as some sort of mermaid-fox-shaman. I know this one is related to my life purpose, ‘what’s it all about?’ I can change, with the help of many hands. And I can transform, but it will be a journey.

Sketching is like the dance of shiva- the aim is not to be perfect, but to get your brain into the state where it can flow and do its good work. To recognise that it is all about the practice- that not every sketch will be brilliant, but that is ok.

Often is the case when a sketch I complete looks crap- weeks later I will re-look upon it and see how beautiful and expressive it is, the lines, the shapes, the colours. The pressure for perfection first time around prevents me from seeing how beautiful the sketch I am creating in the present moment is.